For fuck’s sake! I mean, holy fucking Janis on a fucking trike! I head off for a few weeks and the whole planet goes to hell in a handbasket! Banks are fucked but there’s been no better time to be a bank executive. Like the Irish one who bought 250,000 shares of his own bank two days before the government made a bail out payment, meaning that he pocketed a cool twelve million. In the true Irish tradition of either protecting our criminals or voting them into government, the crime not only went unpunished but wasn’t even recognised as a crime. So insider trading is no longer a crime?
I’ve loads to rant about; the presidential and vice presidential debates - the word “debate” is used really loosely these days, The global recession, RTE’s continuing...
Is anyone else just completely fucking fed up of celebrities telling us what to do? I mean, Tom Cruise is a fucking expert on everything. Did he give up a promising career as an historian in order to pursue a career in movies? No he fucking didn’t. He was a paper boy before failing to become a priest and now he’s still the same fucking moron he has always been.
Here’s some of the things that Tom the moron has uttered about his beloved corrupt scam/religion; scientology.
“I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care...
Isaac Hayes has died. I would have been more bothered about this had he not been allowed to fall from grace by his chosen religion; Scientology. His fame rivalled Stevie Wonder and Al Green in 70s and, though not as talented, became the epitome of cool in his day.
He reached a brand new audience as the voice of chef in South Park but was forced to leave the show by the morons in the church of scientology because they slagged off Tom Cruise - Mom, Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet”. Classic episode. They killed him off in style by taking a major swipe at the church of Scientology but made the point that they didn’t love him because of his beliefs but simply because he had become a friend and because he was Isaac Hayes.
Obvioulsy not the most intelligent man on the...
I know loads of mothers who I used to think deserved to be given an award but have never received one. Why have they never received a mother of the year award? Well, I can only go by the qualifications of previous winners. Right, here’s what you apparently need to do to qualify for Mother of the year - the celebrity version - ok, I know you need to first become a celebrity but that’s easy these days:
First of all, you must parade around in designer maternity-wear smoking crack and drinking like a fountain. I know, I know; that’s probably going to damage your unborn child but, look, do you want to win the fucking prize or not? Right, once you’ve been seen doing all of that, book yourself into rehab and sell your story to some nonsense fucking paper like the News of...
John Motson , the BBC commentator, will mark his last major TV appearance at the Euro 2008 final. There will be tears from his colleagues but none from me. It will be a fucking relief not to have to hear him compare every brave, team performance to the fucking English team of ‘66. It will also be a welcome change not to hear him rehash England’s 5-1 win over Germany every time Michael fucking Owen’s name is mentioned. Motty is an annoying fucking man and I won’t miss him.
“But Captain! You can’t hate Motty! Everyone loves Motty! Are you sick or something?”
I am fucking sick of this elite group of people who you are not allowed to hate. John Motson annoys the fucking shit out of me. Why can’t I exercise my right to hate John Motson?...
DON’T PANIC!!! There is absolutely no need to panic anymore because we are saved. Criminals can now be rehabilitated, people with mental illnesses can be cured and we can all basically sleep safely in our beds again. War will be a thing of the past, poverty won’t exist and music will once again be of a high standard.
“Surely you jest, Cap’n” I hear you cry. I jest not, my friends. I can tell you that we have a group of people who can solve everything. I know this because Tom Cruise said so and, let’s face it, how could we doubt the little fucker? Small of stature, small of mind is our Tom. Yes, he has been at it again.
The tiny toerag has informed us that it is a privilege to be called a scientologist and it’s something you earn. The shite author...
This is from an episode of South Park that was banned by Paramount because they hadn’t sacked Tom Cruise at the time. It is also the reason that Isaac Hayes - another stupidologist - left the show. The show was banned because of the repeated phrase, “Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet.” I enjoy South Park. It’s not to everyone’s taste but I find myself having a bit of a chuckle at it whenever I switch it on. Sometimes the funniest moments come from the truth, hence the old adage, it’s funny cos it’s true. I’m not saying that Tom Cruise is gay. In fact, I couldn’t give a flying fuck what he’s into but the piece in this extract about the beliefs of Stupidologist is true, right down to Galactic Lord Xenu’s craft...
Please be warned that this post contains some pretty strong profanity. I mean, it’s fucking full of fucking bad fucking language. I mean, for fuck’s sake; you need look no further than the fucking title to see profanity on this post.
I’m fucking sick sick sick sick and not a little fed up of stupid fucking celebrities whinging about their troubles. Ok, if someone gets a debilitating disease, it’s slightly different but not when you’re trouble was brought about by your own fucking stupidity! I’m sick of seeing Paris Hilton, I’m sick of hearing about Paris Hilton and I’m most definitely sick of writing rants about Paris fucking Hilton but I just had to comment on her Larry King interview.
“I spent my first days in jail lying in the...
They are the elite. They validate our existence by allowing us to bask in their reflected glory. They give us a taste of what it’s like to be adored. Some entertain us. Some annoy us. Some are famous for having talent. Some are famous for being photographed. Some are famous for having a rich Dad. What they all have in common is this: A great celebrity is a silent celebrity.
Tom Cruise is a fucking idiot. We all know that he is because he follows a bonkers cult founded by probably the worst author ever to tap a key. Similarly John Travolta and all the other space loving, alien fearing twats from the church of scientology are all fucking blithering idiots. It doesn’t stop there, however. Bono is a hypocrite, an arrogant dipshit and an all round major fucking twat. Paris Hilton...
Paris Hilton was apparently released from prison because she had a rash. Well surprise surpries. Paris Hilton has a rash? Of course she does. Probably has friction burns on her knees too. I mean, surely when you go to prison you expect to have at least one rash. For fuck’s sake. Well, justice was served and she was thrown back in with a jar of sudo-cream. Now, she is due to be released from prison on the 26th of June. How the fuck is that 45 days? I mean, I ask you. Not only this but she has been offered a ludicrous amount of money for “her story”. O FOR THE LOVE AND HONOUR OF FUCK!!!!! STOP!!! PLEASE, STOP!!! Nobody wants to hear this winging fucking numbskull’s story about her EIGHTEEN DAYS in jail. EIGHTEEN DAYS!!!! IT PROBABLY TAKES HER THAT LONG TO APPLY HER...
Yeah yeah, I know everybody’s gone on about this but I found the below ad on you tube and just had to share it with you.
What they’re basically saying is that, when all the people on Earth can trust eachother, there will be peace on Earth. WOW!!! Tom fucking Cruise has paid endless millions to these fuckers and that is the conclusion they come to? Well, like Wayne LaPierre, Tom Cruise is an idiot. The same goes for John Travolta, Juliet Lewis and all the other fucking idiot Scientologists. I wonder if the COS has an NRA wing…
The funny thing about this ad is the word “trust.” This message comes from a cult that is so secretive that you must sign a contract in order to become a member. Funny how they ask you to trust them when they don’t trust their own...
Fuck it, we will, won’t we? We will always have Paris fucking Hilton. Sure, we can laugh at her incarceration but she’ll be out again and guess what? She will be on more fucking chat shows and more magazines than ever before to talk about her “ordeal”. She won’t have to be filmed fucking in night vision to get the notoriety she craves now because she’s been in prison and the press have practically blown their load with excitement. She will now probably write a fucking book. For fuck’s sake!! She will be ever present. When she grows old behind what will surely be a plastic face, they will preserve her. FUCK!!! We will have that fucking useless, vacuous, moronic, mincing, spoilt fucking idiot on every fucking billboard and shop window. She’ll...
Whilst awaiting some long overdue dental work recently, I picked up a magazine - as you do - and began to peruse its contents. T’was a music magazine, whose name - for legal reasons - escapes me, and I couldn’t really concentrate on reading an article on the magnificent Beck because of the drilling noises coming from the surgery. I decided to move on and came across a ridiculous article on Madonna.
The author of this article extolled the virtues of the pop princess, whilst warning that you can’t just say that Madonna is shite because people may not know about which Madonna you are speaking. In the interests of clarity then, I would like to point out that I am speaking about Madonna Cicconne - now Madonna Ritchie - the same over-played slapper who had hits with Like a...
I must start by apologising to Bock The Robber. He has a brilliant post about this but I just couldn’t let it pass without giving my tuppence worth. I am talking, course, about the petition for a pardon for the empty vessel that is Paris Hilton. Feel free to click on the link to see it for yourself. The opening gambit reads as follows:
“Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives. “
So, in order to garner support for Pisshead Paris, the author of this piece of shit tells us that our...
Before some of you go off thinking this is another Celia rant, cool your expensive, impractical heels and read on. No, my aversion to this waste of space hasn’t dimmed but I will be merely using her appearance in a local piece of junk mail to make a point.
As I have said before, I’m fucking sick of junk mail. If I’ve been away from dry land for a while, my letterbox is bursting upon my return. The amount of shit they shove through your letterbox is fucking incredible. The Limerick Weekender, for example. Elvis on a fucking stick!! This has to be the single biggest waste of paper since Jordan’s third autobiography - My Left Tit. Firstly; a tabloid should be structured to appeal to those who read them. On the rare occasion that I pick up a rag, it is either to wipe...
If I see one more fucking debate on global warming, I’m gonna throw out the fucking rattle. Here’s the point; if governments are being encouraged to stop shitting chemicals into the atmosphere, is that going to harm the planet? There is this train of thought that Mother Nature is doing more damage to the planet than anything else. Now, whilst I doubt that this is entirely true, I’m not a scientist and so I won’t go down the road of doing a couple of hours research in order to contradict someone who has gone through years of college. The point opposition scientists are trying to make is that the damage done to the planet by emissions is miniscule. Well it’s still fucking doing damage isn’t it? I mean, why do these fuckers need to speak up at all? Why...
The Premiership’s top four will set a ceiling of £100,000 a week for their top players’ wages meaning the likes of Frank Lampard, John Terry and Cristiano Ronaldo will be disappointed in their contract negotiations. (The Observer)
Disappointed? For those of you who do not watch soccer, that’s £100,000 per week. Disappointed. Hmmm. In an era where the majority of the population of the world live in abject poverty, they are dis-a-fucking-pointed. This is just one example of the fucking disgusting abuse of wealth that we in the “civilised” world have come to expect from those who entertain us. David Beckham will only wear a pair of trainers once and then throw them away. That must be the worst case of athlete’s foot in the history of the fucking...
Being at a loose end of a Sunday evening and suffering, as I am, from a really fucking annoying dose of the flu, I have just switched on “Graham Norton – Uncut”. I have never paid much attention to Graham and any of his shows because I saw his stand up show once and it was frankly… well… uhm… fucking crap. His show is crap but was saved by the fact that Samantha Morton was a guest. She kept me entertained. In his opening monologue, Graham spoke about the Oscars. During his typically unfunny diatribe, he showed a picture of Helen Mirren biting down on a burger. After he had tittered annoyingly at his own observations, he said “Our queen wouldn’t be seen like that.” Now, unless I missed my guess – and please correct me if I’m wrong – Graham Norton is Irish. We...
Yes, it’s true; this is my 100th rant on this site. Since last July I have been waxing lyrical on all manner of shite and now I find myself at this worrying milestone. There have been many highlights in my life this year outside of my duties on the Thirsty Kipper but the highlight of my ranting is the disposal of one Mr. Richard Shepherd and his writing web-shite. Due to the dedication of Debs and Rochelle and a few others we have now ensured that his website - worldsgreatestnovel.com - is now a dumping site for every fucking reprobate on the net with a link to dump. I recently posted as “Mematey” in his forum and he didn’t even ban me. Was it good enough for him to simply neglect the site? No. There are still twenty-one authors, whose work is still associated...
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Some time ago, I waxed lyrical about one of Limerick’s so-called socialites - Celia Gollum Lee - and such has been the contrast between outrage and support that I decided to revisit Celia Hollow Lee in the first part of this rant. Of course, that’s not the only reason. One reader didn’t want her comment to be published, which is a shame since it was such an interesting one. Now, whilst Celia occupies very little of my attention, I feel she is indicative of a rotting social culture in our city. To the person who submitted the comment, I will not reveal your particular ire but I will need to use what you have told me but don’t worry as I have researched this and found that you’re not the only person whose confidence received a bashing by the same means.
Celia...
I would like to start this by saying that I enjoyed Enemy at the Gates but thought it would have been a lot better with a different lead actor. It needed someone gritty and raw - Gary Oldman, perhaps. Having said that, I did enjoy it but I do believe that it is time to consign Jude Law to the celebrity scrap-heap. Firstly; he takes himself way too seriously for someone of limited talent and secondly; he’s a tosspot. In fact, more than being a tosspot, he’s a twat, a twat, a twat and a fucking major fucking, pain in the hole twat!!!
“So, Jude, what attracted you to this role?”
“Well it was written with such integrity and soul that I couldn’t turn it down.”
“So it wasn’t the big bag of money you got for doing it then?”
“No....
I was pottering around the ol’ Thirsty Kipper today, y’know, tending to the more boring aspects of pirate life – filing maps, cataloguing my ill gotten gains and such – when I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two crew members about the flagship of RTE’s drama department, Fair City. I was going to make these two intellectually challenged miscreants walk the plank for uttering the name of such horse shit on my vessel but, having been castigated by all and sundry about my treatment of some of our more irksome Irish “celebrities”, I decided that, in order to mete out an appropriate punishment, I should really ascertain whether the RTE executives had finally hauled their heads out of their arses and hired actual writers instead of the Dublin 4, latte swilling...
On Sunday night, I found myself supporting Ronan Keating. I know you’re thinking, “whuhthefuckingcrap?” but it’s true. Well actually it’s not true at all, which is to say that it is but not really if you know what I mean. Now, before you go running off telling everyone that Cap’n P has gone off the deep end and is supporting the warbling turd that is Mr. Keating, I attended a fundraising event for the Marie Keating foundation. Tis a worthy cause if ever there was one and is proof that even annoying, mincing, smarmy fucking twats like Ronan Keating are good for something.
The event was a fashion show. I’m not normally the kind of pirate who attends these things but I had an ulterior motive. The monsters of RAWK, which are The Children of the Night...
Is it just me or has the tosser rate increased exponentially in the last few years? I mean, under normal circumstances, you would expect to have a small number of tossers because that’s just the way it is but Ireland’s tosser quota seems to have gone through the fucking roof recently. Fucking tossers! Ronan Keating, Brian Kennedy, Westlife, Louis Walsh, Linda Martin, Twink, Marty Whelan, Pat Kenny, George Hamilton, Bertie Ahern - in fact, almost every RTE presenter and the entire population of politicians - Graham Norton… the list is fucking endless. FUCKING TOSSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that’s just the celebrity tossers. Ireland as a whole - as opposed to hole - is full of fucking tossers. It used to be that you could go a month without meeting a tosser but, these...
Well, whilst I’m sure that most of you are too concerned with Jade Goody claiming she’s “not racial” - (I always suspected she was some species of extremely stupid dog) - to worry about my absence, I feel that it is incumbent on me to explain myself.
As any of my reader … ahem … s will tell you, I am a Villa fan. For those of you who are too tied up with the diplomatic incident sparked by a shower of morons trying to sustain their tenuous grip on their z-list status, that means I support an English soccer team called Aston Villa. After United’s poxy winner in the earlier FA Cup tie, it was with an unprecedented sense of hope that I passed through the gates the enemies’ lair - Old Trafford - last Saturday. “How bad?” I hear you...
Well it’s here again and I am reminded how far Channel 4 has fallen. That’s right, it’s the return of, “I’ve had my fifteen minutes, please put me up for a few weeks” or “Celebrity Big Brother”, as it is more popularly known. This is yet another reason why Channel 4 gets to prosper even though it is making far less quality drama than it made its name doing.
Reality TV is the indicative of the continuing dumbing down of art in general in the modern world. Everything is disposable because our attention span is not what it used to be and we can’t be trusted with anything that requires any thought. It’s becom… Where was I? Oh yeah, fucking crap. Dirk Benedict - who is famous for being Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica and Face in the A-Team and has done nothing since,...
Just a quick post to wish you all a happy new year. The Thirsty Kipper is docked and I will be seeing in the new year with me foine wench and me crew. The rum has been… ahem… appropriated and the decks are scrubbed. I have had many things to give out about this year and it is my firm hope that 2007 holds far less to complain about. I have also had many things that made me smile. In Bloggage, I firmly recommend Bock The Robber - a fellow Limerick man and a foine blogger if ever there was one. Check out his Scientology blog and the mighty dictator one, which is one of the cleverest I have read.
In music, I loved the new Muse album but not as much as Absolution. I also loved Grant Lee Philips’ Nineteeneighties album which covers great songs of the eighties like Wave of...
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I have long been saying that Hollywood has run out of ideas. How many classic movies have been made in the last ten years? Mystic River is one and there are a few others but there really isn’t the same volume of quality film making that there used to be. Why? Because the entertainment industry is no longer the province of rebels and frustrated genius’. It is now a big money machine. Music is churned out assembly line-like and we have the strains of untalented fucking pretty boys and girls assaulting our aural space on all to frequent an occassion. Don’t get me wrong; there is still some great music coming out. The Fratellis, Muse and Arcade Fire to name but a few but there are too many really good bands being sacrificed for the sake of some fake fucking idiot who...
As 2006 issues it’s final death rattle, many reflect on the events that have set it apart from other years. I suppose the obvious one is the American public’s belated recognition of the shortcomings of its Government. We can only hope that the Democrats use their influence to change policies for the better. The Patriot Act should be the first to go but I am not going to go on about what happened this year because you will have a veritable plethora of lists to peruse. I am going to make a few predictions for 2007 and we can meet back here in 12 months - God willing - and see how close I came. I’ll keep my predictions to categories so that, if there is a subject you couldn’t give a fuck about, you can move on.
Sport
: Roman Abramovich will sell Chelsea to a consortium...
For the love and honour of fuck; why haven’t Wastelife been sacked or at least boycotted by every radio station on the planet? I was in a taxi the other night and heard their latest offering - another cover of a cheesy ballad - The Rose. Now this was a needlessly crap song in the first place and the last thing we needed was that shower of mincing fucking morons to do a cover of it. What’s next; The Wind Beneath My Wings? Or have they already fucking done it? How about a cover of Halfway Up The Stairs by Kermit’s nephew, Robin? Or maybe something more upbeat? How about the Shake n’ Vac song? That would be just the ticket for a shower of mind-numbingly moronic fucking muppets like Wastelife.
“Oh but look at all the money they’re making Cap’n...