I don’t do celeb shit but this one just couldn’t get away without comment. Pink, y’know, the loud fucking eejit who thinks she’s a rebel? Yeah, short bleached blonde hair, pedestrian lyrics about how mad she is and skimpy designer outfits to match her uber rebeliousness. Yeah, that fucking annoying bint. Well, apparently she recently had a crisis in her life - don’t all those fucking plastic pop stars have one now and then. No, she didn’t lose someone dear to her or find out that she had a terminal disease. She began to think she was an alcoholic. Yep, how fucking original. Well she came to this conclusion one day when she thought, “Gee whiz, I like to get drunk every now and then. I must be an alcoholic.” So she but away her barbies and...
I wasn’t going to write about the senseless killing of Shane Geoghegan as so many people have done it better than I could. I didn’t know Shane but, from what I have heard, he was a decent bloke who was shot by cowardly, knuckle-dragging fucking dickheads. His murder was senseless but, if our government are to do anything right, they should make Shane’s murder a landmark. It should be the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of putting these pathetic fucking cunts in jail FOR LIFE!!
The people who killed Shane should not be considered human and therefore should have no fucking rights. The Gards know who they are. They’re the drug-dealing, murderous fucking wankers who are fucking Limerick up for everyone. So how about bringing in the “Scumbag...
Been a bit busy recently. In fact I’ve recently been a bit busy. Despite being recently a bit busy, I haven’t ignored the fact that my faith in Americans has been somewhat restored due to the election of Obama. The Republicans who have historically debunked every conspiracy theory are now at it themselves, saying that the election was rigged. Yeah, I think he made sure that the black people of Florida couldn’t vote…. oh, hang on a second…. No, that was Dubya. Obama won because any idiot can see that the Republicans were taking the world down in a rugby tackle of corruption, greed and violence.
Nuff said....
If, like me, you’ve tended to find yourself in more than your fair share of embarrassing situations, you might want to read on. I’ve decided to finally publish a useful list of outs for those embarrassing moments. You may need to tweak these a little to suit yourself but you’re more than welcome to do so.
You find yourself in a nice restaurant with a girl you’re desperately trying to impress. Everything’s going swimmingly. She even likes your Jack Palance impersonation and she agrees with you when you assert that Westlife should be sentenced to life in a sound-proof prison. You notice her little idiosyncrasies and you find them adorable. You also notice that she has a refined sense of personal hygiene. All of this is happening but something else is too....
This would be funny if it wasn’t so close to the truth.
Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric parodyby......
Oh Dear God.
I Love Sarah Palinby......
Before any of you start complaining, this is not a pornographic post. Yes, you could extract all kinds of tedious sexual innuendo from my blog title and the one about which I’m going to write. Look, if that your thing, you’re really wasting your time.
It’s funny how the American presidential election has almost become a sociological experiment. For the most part, people who support Obama go about their business without resorting to juvenile mudslinging, while those who support McCain will resort to all kinds of racist taunts and school yard name calling. I’m aware that I have accused certain McCain supporters of being inbred primates but that’s just a statement of fact. I came across Jackie’s Jungle - again, please refrain from sexual innuendo -...
Here’s another link to the great Darwin, who has posted a genuinely brilliant Will Ferrell video
I really like this guy. He was, of course, brilliant in Anchorman but here’s some other seldom seen stuff. Will as George Bush.
Will Ferrell as Bush on Global Warmingby bhozer
I’ll add some more tomorrow....
Yes, in much the same way that Barbies invaded Beverly Hills and inflicted countless vacuous idiots on the world led by Paris Hilton, it seems that Islamic fundamentalists have taken over Fisher Price with the intention of taking over the world through baby dolls. I mean the bare faced cheek of them. Y’know I always suspected that if you play Westlife records backwards they not only sound better but they deliver satanic messages to the unsuspecting listener. You just can’t trust anything anymore. Now you might say that I’ve lost it but I think the video below should set you straight. Yes, it may cross the minds of the more discerning amongst you that it is just baby babble that coincidentally makes the doll sound like it’s saying “Islam is the way” but...
I have been at the Ryder Cup despite my assertion that golf ruins a good route to the pub. I neither hate nor follow golf. Golf doesn’t normally drive me to take a tweezers to my pubes simply to stop me from thinking about it. I do, however, fucking go postal at the marriage of the names Nick and Faldo. He doesn’t bug me because of his infidelity with his caddy - Kevin. Nor does it bother me that he made Kevin change his name to Fanny. It doesn’t even cost me a thought that Kevin was once a badly behaved cocker spaniel called Floppy. What bothers me about him is that he is quite possibly the most irredeemably boring twat I have ever wasted a nanosecond listening to. There is one thing worse than being a boring prick and that is being an arrogant, boring prick and Nick...
I’ll keep this brief. My buddy Darwin is doing a great series on the misguided wankress that is Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. I’ll just add a big of weight to the argument by posting a few of the issues she stands firm on. As Darwin points out, she loves nothing better than sitting in a plane with a high powered rifle, shooting any wolf that happens into view. In fact, she seems to have very little respect for animals at all. She loves guns and, despite not having a clue what the Bush doctrine is, supports it unwaveringly. She is a firm supporter of America’s right to bear arms but not arm polar bears as there are apparently way too many of them around. Endangered? Nonsense! Next thing they’ll be telling her that she can’t hunt Beluga whales!!!!!!...
A lot of people I know, for some inexplicable reason, hate Pink Floyd. I love the band and am saddened to hear of the death of arguably one of the main components of the band - Richard Wright. I’ll post a video as soon as my crappy pc allows one to load.
The Jolly Roger is at half mast and the Kipper is filled with the strains of Floyd.
One of the things a lot of people overlook is just how much Richard Wright’s voice gave to Pink Floyd. When he sings with Dave Gilmour, you just know that there is an unspoken understanding between them. His keyboard playing went from aggressive to beautifully melodic with scarcely a change of facial expression.
You will be missed, Richard. Rest in Peace....
Continuing my ideas for the future theme, here’s a few more inventions that might prove useful.
Animal Rehab: Well, it makes sense for Ireland’s olympic horses.
Sober Goggles: These ingenius devices will be worn when drunk so that the person you’ve taken home still looks great in the morning.
A Plank: To take over the Late Late Show. Anything would be an improvement.
Shoulder Prisms To refract those annoying lazer pointers away…… ahem.
Corrective Orthodontic Braces: These COBs will emit a sharp electric pulse everytime a teenager speaks like a moronic American. These could also be adapted to punish Westlife and Ronan Keating amongst others.
Sucker SocksTo stop your socks being sucked off your feed when you’re wearing wellies.
Prisons:These will...
I hate reality T.V! ……. Sorry, let me rephrase that; I FUCKING HATE REALITY T FUCKING V!!!!!!!
Well that’s not entirely true. I like Dragons’ Den. I honestly think that it is the only talent show worth watching. I’m not going to go into the whole X-Factor thing because that programme is fucking awful. The only reason that anyone watches that show is to see the people who are pitifully awful being given a roasting by a panel of talentless wankers. Simon Cowell is famous for being a prick who can spot exactly what everyone else can spot. The one thing Simon has never spotted is actual talent. Ok, I said I wasn’t going to go into it and I’m after kind of going off on one. In short; mainstream pop music is nothing more than an elongated radio jingle...
How about a plane that’s made out of the same material as the Black Box? It’s not at all comforting to know that there is one indestructible part of an airplane that you’re not sitting in.
Heinekanadin: A hybrid of brilliant beer and painkillers.
Flippy the bush Kangadolphin: An amphibious hero.
Skipper the bush Dolpharoo: Saves money on the signature tune.
Super Batspider: Self explanatory.
Furry Linoleum: For those who can’t decide between tacky floor coverings.
Velcro Gloves: To stop Bono clicking his fingers. Untold multitudes have died because he does that. He should never be allowed to have the Izimmer, even though it is of paramount importance that he needs one soon.
Liver slot: Interchangeable livers. The answer to the parties of tomorrow.
Virtual...
I have to recommend a movie for you. It’s not new but it’s brilliant. Bubba Ho-tep. It’s set in a retirement home and it’s funny as fuck. Elvis decided that he didn’t want to play vegas, so he allowed an Elvis impersonator to become Elvis. Problem was that the real Elvis ran out of money and so he became an Elvis impersonator. After falling off the stage and breaking his hip, he ends up in a cheap retirement home with John F Kennedy - who had his skin dyed black to put the CIA off his scent.
Check it out. This is just the trailer but it is genuinely a modern rival to Dr Strangelove....
Here’s a list of the more interesting insults I’ve heard. I’m sure there’s more but this is a start.
• You’re pretty ugly but beauty is only a light switch away.
• Is that your face or did your neck throw up.
• Are your parents twins?
• I can hardly contain my indifference.
• You’re about as sharp as a beach ball.
• I’m busy now, can I ignore you some other time?
• Do they ever shut up on your planet?
• You’re so old you can remember when the Dead Sea was just ill.
• There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation can’t cure.
• I’ve seen wounds that were better dressed than you.
• If you ever become a mother, I wouldn’t even want one of the puppies.
• I can see that you’re flirting with intelligence but getting the cold...
This is brilliant,
Bock the Brilliant...
I once knew a pirate from Kerry,
Who drank a little too much sherry
his wrist it was tipped,
his cargo was shipped
And now he works on a ferry……….
or this. Enjoy. Pee Titty robbed it, 20 pence robbed it and neither of the gun toting bastards were arrested for doing so....
Some time ago, some genius came up with the idea that we had to love everyone regardless of what some may have done. Some fucking super-brain decided that there is good in everyone and that we need to nurture people to get the best out of them. Some mega-intelligent being decreed that smacking our children is just plain wrong.
What’s the Cap’n’s take on this? Fuck that, it’s a load of bollox. Let’s face it, people are inherently bad and nurturing us makes us worse. The only reason some of us become decent is because we were reminded of what was right and wrong. Sometimes this reminder came with a sharp smack but we didn’t go suing our parents for fucking child abuse.
For all this absolute bollox, what kind of a society have we got? Criminals roam free...
I heard this joke the other day and I just had to pass it on.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert. After wandering around aimlessly for 36 hours, they’re out of water and food and are perilously close to death. They approach an impossibly large sand dune and Pepe says to Jose, ‘Thees ees it, my friend. I go no further.’
‘Wait Pepe!’ Jose exclaims weakly, ‘Do you smell that?
Pepe turns his face upwards and smells, a new hope spreading across his face.
‘Eet…. eet smells like bacon, Jose’.
‘Yes, Pepe, it ees definitely bacon. We must go on.’
They clamber up the sand dune, eyes wide with hope. As they crest the hill, they see a tree in the distance. It’s a tree laden with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with...
Is anyone else just completely fucking fed up of celebrities telling us what to do? I mean, Tom Cruise is a fucking expert on everything. Did he give up a promising career as an historian in order to pursue a career in movies? No he fucking didn’t. He was a paper boy before failing to become a priest and now he’s still the same fucking moron he has always been.
Here’s some of the things that Tom the moron has uttered about his beloved corrupt scam/religion; scientology.
“I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care...
Well it’s fucking shit. I got another bit of a grilling for not researching my posts so I put myself through an excruciating 15 minutes - which is curiously more than anyone connected with the show deserves - of it and I can honestly say I would prefer to sew my fucking sctotum to a horse’s fucking arse and yell GIDDY FUCKING UP!! The sad part is that these fuckers actually believe they’re celebrities. I’d prefer to spend 15 minutes listening to Ronan Keating and Nana Mous-fucking-skouri dueting on Sealion Dying’s, My Heart Will Go on than spend one more fucking nano-second watching this embarrassing piece of fucking shit.
We’re used to RTE failing us but this is fucking ridiculous. They will say, ‘Ah but it’s for charity’, well fuck...
Yesterday I posted one of my favourite jokes and now I’m going to talk about one of my least favourite jokes; the American Government. Yes, I know I’m always going on about the farce that is American foreign, domestic and any other kind of policy but this is a slightly new slant.
Every year America compiles a list of the world’s worst human rights offenders. Ok, digest that for a second. ……………… Ok, are you alright? I can only imagine it is so that they know who they’re going to get tips off but they publicise it as being “concerned” about human rights.
Ok, are you sitting down? Good. Here we go. America recently removed China from the top ten list of human rights violators….. MEDIC!!! I’m sorry but I did...
Yyyarrr, Yaarrrr and Yarrr once more. Tis a foine city, me native Limerick with some foine lasses. Check out the link below for a talented local designer. Ruth Crean be her name and a talented lady she be.
Nice Day Designs...
I know, everyone’s sick of conspiracy theories but listen before you dismiss it as mere hearsay.
Since I was in my late teens I’ve had occasional use for supermarkets to procure food and stuff like that. I remember going to these places with my mother when I was a child and they seemed like friendly and convenient places. They never seemed to me to be the source of pure evil but they are. I don’t know what I did to fall foul of the Supermarket demon but I now fear for my very sanity whenever I have to go to one.
It starts simply enough. I step over the line and pick up my basket - I never use a trolley as it seems like that amount of shopping is needless planning ahead. I start with the vegetable section as it’s the closest. I need to make it clear that I’m...
I’m not going to make a habit of posting jokes on this site but I absolutely love this one.
A German tourist in London thought he’d sample one of the English working girls. After being directed to a good spot, he approached one of the girls and asked,
“Are you ok with ze kinky zex?”
“Well I’m not really into that but, if it’s not too kinky,” the girl tentatively replied.
“Oh no,” The German replied, “in fact ees not zat kinky at all.”
They go back to the brothel and, producing a duck caller and four springs with straps attached to them, he explained his plan.
“You put one off zees on each hand unt one of zem on each knee unt you go on all fours, yeah?”
Thinking it didn’t really sound all that bad,...
Take a look at this picture before we start.
“We’re Americans and we’ll never surrender but they will”. Who the fuck is he talking about. Ok, we all know John McCain is an idiot but no more so than the current American president. That still doesn’t excuse the fact that this slogan WILL make some American hearts swell with pride and that is a sad and ultimately scary thought. If you look closely at the picture, you could be forgiven for thinking that man on the poster IS George - where’s my banana - Bush. I don’t hate Americans but I fucking despise red necks. Y’all know the kind. The toothpick-chewing, cousing fucking, knuckle-dragging, racist fucking dickheads who think that God created everyone to be equal but America is more equal than...
I was about to pledge my life to Hell Runt Cupboard…… Anyway, I looked at this at five to nine and I neded drink. Fuck the government. I now have to put three spoons of heroin in my tea
Untitled from Gamma Goblin on Vimeo....