I once knew a pirate from Kerry,
Who drank a little too much sherry
his wrist it was tipped,
his cargo was shipped
And now he works on a ferry……….
or this. Enjoy. Pee Titty robbed it, 20 pence robbed it and neither of the gun toting bastards were arrested for doing so....
Some time ago, some genius came up with the idea that we had to love everyone regardless of what some may have done. Some fucking super-brain decided that there is good in everyone and that we need to nurture people to get the best out of them. Some mega-intelligent being decreed that smacking our children is just plain wrong.
What’s the Cap’n’s take on this? Fuck that, it’s a load of bollox. Let’s face it, people are inherently bad and nurturing us makes us worse. The only reason some of us become decent is because we were reminded of what was right and wrong. Sometimes this reminder came with a sharp smack but we didn’t go suing our parents for fucking child abuse.
For all this absolute bollox, what kind of a society have we got? Criminals roam free...
I heard this joke the other day and I just had to pass it on.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert. After wandering around aimlessly for 36 hours, they’re out of water and food and are perilously close to death. They approach an impossibly large sand dune and Pepe says to Jose, ‘Thees ees it, my friend. I go no further.’
‘Wait Pepe!’ Jose exclaims weakly, ‘Do you smell that?
Pepe turns his face upwards and smells, a new hope spreading across his face.
‘Eet…. eet smells like bacon, Jose’.
‘Yes, Pepe, it ees definitely bacon. We must go on.’
They clamber up the sand dune, eyes wide with hope. As they crest the hill, they see a tree in the distance. It’s a tree laden with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with...
Is anyone else just completely fucking fed up of celebrities telling us what to do? I mean, Tom Cruise is a fucking expert on everything. Did he give up a promising career as an historian in order to pursue a career in movies? No he fucking didn’t. He was a paper boy before failing to become a priest and now he’s still the same fucking moron he has always been.
Here’s some of the things that Tom the moron has uttered about his beloved corrupt scam/religion; scientology.
“I have absolutely nothing against talking about my beliefs. But I do so much more. We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care...
Well it’s fucking shit. I got another bit of a grilling for not researching my posts so I put myself through an excruciating 15 minutes - which is curiously more than anyone connected with the show deserves - of it and I can honestly say I would prefer to sew my fucking sctotum to a horse’s fucking arse and yell GIDDY FUCKING UP!! The sad part is that these fuckers actually believe they’re celebrities. I’d prefer to spend 15 minutes listening to Ronan Keating and Nana Mous-fucking-skouri dueting on Sealion Dying’s, My Heart Will Go on than spend one more fucking nano-second watching this embarrassing piece of fucking shit.
We’re used to RTE failing us but this is fucking ridiculous. They will say, ‘Ah but it’s for charity’, well fuck...
Yesterday I posted one of my favourite jokes and now I’m going to talk about one of my least favourite jokes; the American Government. Yes, I know I’m always going on about the farce that is American foreign, domestic and any other kind of policy but this is a slightly new slant.
Every year America compiles a list of the world’s worst human rights offenders. Ok, digest that for a second. ……………… Ok, are you alright? I can only imagine it is so that they know who they’re going to get tips off but they publicise it as being “concerned” about human rights.
Ok, are you sitting down? Good. Here we go. America recently removed China from the top ten list of human rights violators….. MEDIC!!! I’m sorry but I did...
Yyyarrr, Yaarrrr and Yarrr once more. Tis a foine city, me native Limerick with some foine lasses. Check out the link below for a talented local designer. Ruth Crean be her name and a talented lady she be.
Nice Day Designs...
I know, everyone’s sick of conspiracy theories but listen before you dismiss it as mere hearsay.
Since I was in my late teens I’ve had occasional use for supermarkets to procure food and stuff like that. I remember going to these places with my mother when I was a child and they seemed like friendly and convenient places. They never seemed to me to be the source of pure evil but they are. I don’t know what I did to fall foul of the Supermarket demon but I now fear for my very sanity whenever I have to go to one.
It starts simply enough. I step over the line and pick up my basket - I never use a trolley as it seems like that amount of shopping is needless planning ahead. I start with the vegetable section as it’s the closest. I need to make it clear that I’m...
I’m not going to make a habit of posting jokes on this site but I absolutely love this one.
A German tourist in London thought he’d sample one of the English working girls. After being directed to a good spot, he approached one of the girls and asked,
“Are you ok with ze kinky zex?”
“Well I’m not really into that but, if it’s not too kinky,” the girl tentatively replied.
“Oh no,” The German replied, “in fact ees not zat kinky at all.”
They go back to the brothel and, producing a duck caller and four springs with straps attached to them, he explained his plan.
“You put one off zees on each hand unt one of zem on each knee unt you go on all fours, yeah?”
Thinking it didn’t really sound all that bad,...
Take a look at this picture before we start.
“We’re Americans and we’ll never surrender but they will”. Who the fuck is he talking about. Ok, we all know John McCain is an idiot but no more so than the current American president. That still doesn’t excuse the fact that this slogan WILL make some American hearts swell with pride and that is a sad and ultimately scary thought. If you look closely at the picture, you could be forgiven for thinking that man on the poster IS George - where’s my banana - Bush. I don’t hate Americans but I fucking despise red necks. Y’all know the kind. The toothpick-chewing, cousing fucking, knuckle-dragging, racist fucking dickheads who think that God created everyone to be equal but America is more equal than...
I was about to pledge my life to Hell Runt Cupboard…… Anyway, I looked at this at five to nine and I neded drink. Fuck the government. I now have to put three spoons of heroin in my tea
Untitled from Gamma Goblin on Vimeo....
For the first time in a long long time, the Thirsty Kipper is dry. No, it’s still in the water but there is no alcohol aboard her. Why? An intelligent person has an ethos. There is no law to say that one’s ethos cannot be flawed but, all too often it is. The handy thing about society is that, unless you’re completely lacking in moral fibre, your mates will puck you into some semblance of normality. So, what if your mates are fucking worthless scumbags? Well I can’t speak for that because me shipmates are only murderous if they’re backed into a corner.
What am I on about? Well it seems that, whenever lawlessness rears its ugly head above the parapet of the Dail bar, us honest people get fucked in the ear. Ireland was the first European country to bring in the...
Ok, sorry about this but, FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK HOLE BOLLOX SHITTING FUCKITY BOLLOX HOLE!! I’m willing to bet that all of you have, at one stage or another, looked at an entertainer and said, “I could do that.” Yes, it’s a lot easier these days as everyone including Slimey Pete’s rotten crotch could do a better job than most entertainers these days but I’m willing to bet that one or two of you have tried something, failed utterly at it and decided to consign it to a murky and never to be spoken about corner of your past. Maybe you thought you could sing and decided to get up on stage only to discover that your performance made Pia Zadora’s worst performance seem like flawless virtuoso. I once fancied myself as a bit of a professional...
I was going to write at length about the blatant cover up of the murder of an innocent Irish man in America but, as usual, me oul mate Bock The Robber has done it better than I could have attempted. Head on over and read all about it. Some great comments on this post but none of them are from J.P.
Bock the Robber talking about Andrew Hanlon’s murder....
You might have noticed that the Thirsty Kipper has had a bit of an overhaul. Well, due to a couple of emails I received, I have upgraded it again. Whoever said a pirate shouldn’t concern himself with customer care, never boarded the Kipper, me hearties.
Whilst I realise that I haven’t been sailing her as much as I used to, I can assure you I will be getting back into the swing of things over the coming months. If there’s one thing I hates more than Paris Hilton, tis a quiet pirate. Thar be no place for a pirate who doesn’t speak his mind aboard this vessel or on any of the nine seas - I discovered two more that I told no one about.
While I’m getting ready to unburden myself upon ye - as the bishop said to the actress - I want to talk briefly about a group of...
I know loads of mothers who I used to think deserved to be given an award but have never received one. Why have they never received a mother of the year award? Well, I can only go by the qualifications of previous winners. Right, here’s what you apparently need to do to qualify for Mother of the year - the celebrity version - ok, I know you need to first become a celebrity but that’s easy these days:
First of all, you must parade around in designer maternity-wear smoking crack and drinking like a fountain. I know, I know; that’s probably going to damage your unborn child but, look, do you want to win the fucking prize or not? Right, once you’ve been seen doing all of that, book yourself into rehab and sell your story to some nonsense fucking paper like the News of...
You may have noticed that I got a bit sick of the green background. I’ve gone ahead and changed this so, if it’s hurting anyone’s eyes, please let me know. DAMN YER EYESS LAD!!! No, seriously, let me know....
Well, I don’t know what’s worse. A judge failing to tell her fellow judges that one of the contestants worked for her modelling agency, the fact that a nonsense person involved in a nonsense controversy makes a nonsense story in a nonsense newspaper or the fact that they give prizes for people who manage to dress themselves. I mean, fuck me, I’ve raised many an eyebrow in me pirate garb but nobody ever sent me on an all expenses paid trip to Dubai - not that I have any intention of visiting such a vulgar testament to opulence in close enough proximity to abject poverty.
So here’s the thing. Apparently horse racing and over priced clothing have always gone hand in hand. Y’see, in order for a man to watch horse racing in rainy old Ireland, he needs wellies, a...
I’m not going to go on about the living embodiment of shit that is Celia Holman Lee again but I heard that she got some Woman of the Year award. Excuse me but WHAT?? What in the name of fuck as Celia Holman Lee done to deserve that? Yes, I know I’m not her biggest fan but for the love and honour of fuck! Did IQs suddenly drop in this country for the last few years? Who decides who gets these fucking awards? In Ireland it looks like it’s done by rote.
“Ok, who did we give the golden dildo for woman of the year to last year?”
“I believe it was Bibi Baskin.”
“O fuck it, yes. That was a messy one. Can we put a warning that the award is strictly ornamental from now on?”
“Certainly.”
“So whose turn is it to be celebrated...
I know that some of you are wondering what an ol’ sea dog like me is doing playing video games. Well, I have kitted out the Thirsty Kipper with an LCD TV and a PS3 and I spend some of my downtime driving recklessly, shooting zombies and Nazis and the like in my pursuit of sensory escapism. I’m a big fan of games like Medal of Honour, Metal Gear Solid and the big daddy of them all; Grand Theft Auto, and GTA IV is the subject of this post.
I will not review the game because, if you’ve played it, you’ll know what an incredible piece of work it is.
There are the inevitable idiots out there who will go on about how violent the game is. Is it violent? Absolutely. Is it more violent than movies like the SAW franchise or the pathetic Hostel movies? Absolutely not.
There...
The English language is a funny thing. It seems that everything is up for interpretation and contexts change everyday.
Puppies, for instance, used to be a word to the describe young dogs. It was always associated with warm and loving things that you just love to cuddle and stroke. No surprise then that the word’s use has been extended to be a euphamism for breasts. Y’see, I can understand that. It makes sense. There are lots of these extended usages that make sense but some of them are baffling and then you have the language of the angry woman. I’m not being sexist; you all know it’s true. I’ll get into a little more detail on this subject later but, for the sake of all those people who’ll cry, “oh that’s great, Captain, first you call...
‘Thot’s jost graysh, Copton,’ spake the Dublin 4 gobshite before I made a map out of his face.
For the uninitiated amongst you, let me just advise that the aforementioned idiot was simply saying “That’s just great, Captain”. You see, Ireland has been divided for years. We have Northern Ireland, who are subjects of the Queen, The Republic of Ireland who are constantly being screwed by our government and Dublin who bow only to their own arse biscuits. Now, within the Republic of Dublin there is a sub-republic called Dublin 4. For my American friends, the fact that there is a digit after the name doesn’t mean that it should have a tag line. If Dublin 4 did have a tag line, it would read something like; “Dublin 4: Be aloof….. Be very...
It has been widely rumoured that Brian Carroll is a journalist. I know, the very thought that a knuckle-dragging git like Brian could string together a coherent sentence even when he isn’t picking fleas from his brother’s scalp is ludicrous but these rumours persist nevertheless. I recently asked for proof and the only shred of tangible proof offered to me was the fact that he does indeed write for the Mail on Sunday. The Mail on Sunday? You hardly need to go to college to write for that fish and chip wrapper.
As I’ve mentioned in recent posts, I’ve decided to research before I rant and, in keeping with this new-found ethos, I borrowed the Turd on Sunday from a friend of mine who had just purchased it - I couldn’t quite stretch to actually paying for this...
There are normally few reasons why I’d ever wish to see people stumbling in anguish around an airport concourse, trying to get to the exit for fear of being overcome, but t’was a welcome sight indeed yesterday. They weren’t fleeing an unexploded device - though he’s been called worse. No, they were fleeing as me ol’ pal and shipmate Slimey Pete came within ten feet of their olfactory senses. Of course, the fleeing innocents made it easier for me to spot him - well, that and his distinctly pirate motif. I must apologise if I alarmed anyone with my protective suit but such garb is an absolute necessity when accompanying ol Pete.
He has returned from a land where everyone speaks in the interrogative and call ponds after falling cooking utensils. Yes, he has...
Superheroes become popular because they invariably rise above the ordinary and take care of business on behalf of the common man. If that’s true, how the fuck did Diamond Dan The Orangeman - or Sash Gordon, as he’s known to some - come into being.
This is an artist’s rendering of Dan and he kind of looks like a cross between John Merrick, Marty Feldman and Vanessa Phelps with a Chris Evans hairdo. Appropriate then that he is the official super hero of the Orange Order.
For those of you who don’t know, the soley Protestant Orange Order was founded in 1795 in opposition to the Defenders, which were a Catholic organisation. Protestants at the time felt that they had to exhume the memory of the Orange Institution, founded in 1688 to support William of Orange, whose...
Ok, that is fucking it. The gloves are, like, so fucking totally off. It’s like I never had a fucking glove. My hands are as naked as Heather Mills’ whorish greed.
It’s my own fault. I should have known better. I have recently been accused of slagging Ronan Keating too often. Apparently he’s a nice guy and I should leave the talentless piece of fucking annoying shit alone. Well fine. I promise to leave the fucking mincing, clichéd and contrived, smiley fucker alone from now on. The point that was well made to me involved my lack of research into all things Ronan. As I am certainly not a masochist, I have decided not to research him and, instead, simply stop talking about the fucking annoying prick.
Ok. The piece of miserable fucking puss to whom the title of this...
George W. Bush has stated that “Normalcy” is returning to Iraq. Now, unless he’s referring to Hooters McNormalcy, the figure skating stripper, I’m not sure what he’s talking about. If his idea of normalcy is living without electricity for 22 hours a day, knowing that you could be blown asunder by some random bombing on your perilous journey across the street, having your homes randomly ransacked by so-called defence forces who then beat the fuck out of you for asking them why they’re there, having misguided teenagers strapping themselves with explosives and detonating those explosives in crowded areas and generally having your whole world ripped apart because the western world like to drive SUVs, he must surely now be in residence on another planet....
Ah, it’d be funny if he wasn’t fucking nuts. Yes, apparently, Osama Bin Laden has released an audio message to say that he’s not best pleased with the Danish cartoon which was released ages ago and poked fun at Mohammed. Rumour has it he even pumped a couple of rounds from his AK47 into his favourite Teddy Bear, Jesus. He also blames the Pope for being complicit in the outrageous … erm… drawing. The message, by al Qaeda media arm as-Scab - ahem, as-Sahab - carried a cartoon of a spear piercing a red map of Europe with blood spewing forth as its tip penetrated the surface. Now I don’t know about you but that’s not fucking funny at all. Alright, I s’pose if you changed it to a giant penis it could be…. Naaa. Y’see Osama just...
I would like to start this by saying well done to Leanne Moore, not only for winning the rank and useless You’re A Star competition, but for being one of the only contestants on that shit show with a snowball’s chance in hell of maintaining a career. To qualify that statement, I don’t think Leanne will ever be a world beater in terms of musical success but I do think she has enough about her to make a decent career in entertainment and she seems like a genuinely good egg to boot. I know, I know; it’s unlike me to say anything positive about this most banal of T.V programmes but I honestly think that, with the right training a guidance, Leanne could have a chance.
So, enough of that, let’s get to the real meat and potatoes - as it were. I haven’t...
Ok, I’m going to have to preface this post by pasting in a comment from a past post. As you may be aware, I’m now prefacing that preface by explaining the preface. Ah what does a pirate know about prefacing anyway.
Oh wow! Okay, I feel I have been dumbed by your waxed up lyrical spew that you have placed up all over this page.
I happen to know Laurie personally and while he is a lot of things (selfish, arrogant and darn right annoying sometimes) he is a man of science. He is the type of boy that read and understood 1984 when he was in his 1st year of secondary school, he also used to quote off facts about the latest physicist break throughs (chaos theory, string ect.) and when he was made to come up with a general knowledge quiz’s all the adults that were questioned...